There are so many times as I go along that I feel the sense of singleness, of being one and only one. Part of a set that got broken. My identity over the 30 plus years I spent with Kevin had happily blended with and comfortably fit into his. We were as different as different could be, but overall, it worked.
About a week ago I had surgery. Going into it I felt lost and just a little terrified. There was no one to sense my terror, to talk me down before the surgery, to readjust my mindset. Another first, and a scary one for me. Family and friends were around for sure, but I was not about to bare my soul again, to drag people into my pit of neediness. So I did what I always have done – I planned for the worst. I missed Kevin dearly – he always planned for the best and accepted nothing less. Boy, I sure could have used a Kevin fix. I know, somehow, despite his aversion to all things medical, he would have found something funny, something to joke about.
I spent a couple of days at hospital and then came home to convalesce on my own. When I got home I made my way up to my bed and spent a whole bunch of time feeling sorry for myself. Recuperating on my own, no Kevin around to tell me it wasn’t that bad, I spent time wondering what the years ahead would be like and how much effort I felt like putting into them. Not the best time to reflect on the future or make any life altering decisions, but when there’s nothing else to do, the mind tends to kick into action, and when there’s pain involved the thoughts that the mind spins are hardly upbeat ones.
I guess I must be on the mend because I had a ‘shame on me’ moment yesterday. It struck me as to how trivial my bit of discomfort is in the grand scheme of things. I will mend; however, there are plenty of people I know who won’t. All around me people are going through things on their own, silently – some with help, some without. Lives get altered everyday, paths change, crises come and go; drama is all around us, you just have to look for it.
The world is a hell of a lot more than me.