Imagine that in life there was this amazing repository where we could store the best days of our lives. A sort of bank of those outstanding days where the world is right. It was only open one day a year for you to deposit your days, and you could only access what you’d stored on that same day. What would you put in there?
I think about things like this all the time. How incredible it would be to have a few of those days back, safely stored in all their dimensions. To relive as they occurred: in my youth and in my middle age and in my future when I am aged. A fantastic escape to what was, a reinforcement of all my life and experience.
Memory provides the shadows, this would give all the colours. Imagine that all those days are stored in space and time. Imagine. Love is never lost and youth is never gone. Joy surrounds us and serenity is within our grasp. Imagine.
Our imagination and our memories are gifts, for most of us anyway. Sometimes it’s good to relax and let go and just let your mind wander. That’s what I’m doing tonight – remembering and imagining.
From Valentine’s Day in 2014. Crazy dreamer, no wonder I miss him.
It was Friday night and I thought that I’d get busy and do the avoidance thing. Clean, organize, do mindless tasks to avoid thinking about how different things are now from what they were. It was a nice day today and I had set up the patio furniture outside, washed it down and swept the deck. When Kev was healthy and finished work for the day this is where I would find him. He would sit on the deck, drinking his coffee and smoke his Friday night Colt (cigarillo). He was always home before me and this particular routine was set – as long as it wasn’t storming outside. Today was a day where I could almost feel him with me.
Once he got sick, the days of the week blurred together and our routine was guided by the television shows he would watch. Bless his sister, she got him hooked on the Young and the Restless. She’d come over every day and they’d watch it together. They’d do exercises on the commercial breaks, drink a cup of tea and have one of the delectable pastries she always brought. After the Y & R was Family Feud. Prior to his illness he could barely tolerate the mindlessness of television, but game shows and soap operas – to anyone who knew Kevin this in itself would be an indicator of how sick he had become! During his illness the television became a necessary distraction as well as a social event he shared with his sister and me.
So today, along with my daughter, I watched the Y & R and followed it up with Family Feud. It was a little too close for comfort and the tears flowed. It is the saddest reality for my daughter that her father died almost a month to the day after she gave birth to her first child. She is heartbroken, but I do believe that her father would have been gone sooner had she not been pregnant. He was so determined to meet that little baby and to make sure his girl came through it okay.
After my daughter left, and rather than mope, I decided I’d clean up the area we call our office; I had been rather lax over the last few months about filing the bills. I had filed paperwork relating to Kevin’s illness and death as it arrived and also kept it in a separate folder in the dining room. Consequently, I thought it unlikely that I would handle anything that would set me off, and that more than anything else I would simply be filing bills and general correspondence. I got almost all of it done.
Just a brief blog at this point, not meant to be depressing or gloomy, rather meant to be honest.
Take a moment and look around you at the people you have in your life – and just appreciate them for who and what they are. If you love them let them know. Don’t assume that your actions are enough, say the words.
I was very fortunate to have the time to love and enjoy Kevin right up to his death. For me and the kids there was nothing left unsaid. We had the privilege of closure. Others I know have not been so lucky. I think of my friends and my workplace and I know several people who lost a spouse or a child way, way too suddenly. Because it wasn’t supposed to happen. There is a complacency that we tend to get when we are comfortable and happy. Things happen to other people, not to us. And this is the way it will continue to be, until it does happen to you.
For some they will coast through life to it’s end, but even then, at a ripe old age a partnership will be dissolved. I hope that most of you are able to coast, but while you do, take the time to ensure that the people that are important to you know that they are.