What’s It All For?

Today is day four post-chemo treatment number two.  A day where the fatigue is so great he can hardly manage to get from the chair to the table.  Today when he opens his eyes and looks at me all I see is doubt.  What is this all for?  Is this what it is going to be like for months on end?  When I can get him to talk he says he doesn’t know anything anymore.  Can’t figure out whether what he’s doing is right or wrong, whether he’s getting better or not.  He doesn’t want to see anyone, eat anything, drink anything.  But God bless him, he does, and he does it for us – the family. 

The challenges never really subside do they?  Simple things like the placement of a glass of water, a box of tissue, pen, the newspaper; all can be problematic if the person doesn’t have the range of motion or flexibility to move.  The doorbell or phone ringing, email requests, visits to the doctor or hospital, easy for us, but hard for him.   His processing capacity has changed, he’s slower to respond and sometimes too tired to care.  Add on top of that feeling lousy from the second he woke up in the morning and it makes for a day that can’t end soon enough. 

I feel so small and useless.  I know my value, it’s not that – it’s the fact that try as I may I can’t help him through this physically – the battle is all his.