I am not exactly a pillar of strength right now for those around me and most people know this. I am fragile and tentative as I try to build a new reality without my husband. I have lost my ballast and consequently I carefully have to consider the implications of anything I do and how it may impact on my emotional reserves. Most, almost all of my friends and relatives, are helping to guide me along my way, expecting little and assisting lots, however, there’s always one in every crowd. That one person that brings the harsh reality of the world right up into your face and makes you realize how carefully cocooned you’ve been on your journey, or in my case, my journey.
I had one here today, unexpectedly, and consequently very briefly. Since Kevin died I have not been exposed to any sort of confrontational situation. Today that changed when I had an unexpected visitor knock on my door. Not stopping by to do check-in, to see how things were going or any of the niceties; no, this visit was just to use me as a sounding board for how awful life is and how rotten family is. Totally self-absorbed, no one has it as bad, coming to my home to make me listen to a ridiculous nonsensical story of woe.
We all know people like this, they walk amongst us, and yes, they are the ungrateful ones. They don’t realize that they actually could have it all – if they would just put a little effort into it. I have no capacity at present to deal with the problems that vex these types of people; problems so petty and trite it offends me to listen. In my world, you draw strength from those that are able to give it and offer it freely to you; you don’t suck it out of the people who have nothing left to give.
In my regular world (aka life when Kevin was alive) I didn’t look for confrontation but I wouldn’t shy away from it either. In this new world everything is measured by energy – emotional issues sap my energy almost instantly, let alone confrontation. In my mind the proportions of things have changed, for example, simple things like going to the grocery store are weighed out by necessity versus potential interaction. Social interactions may engage an emotional response – while shopping who might I meet and what might I do? The overlay or lens for these questions is – and how am I feeling right now? It’s a convoluted thought process, especially since how I feel can change dramatically over the course of a day.
Today I wasn’t afforded the option of assessing the appropriate response, it was pure reflex. Fortunately, I discovered that at present I may be slightly diminished but at the core I’m still solid. I probably should be slightly comforted to know that my innate personal strength still exists, but I really rather would not have had to find out. My reflexes didn’t let me down but it was a tremendous waste of energy on an ungrateful individual.