The Plans

It is a tough go after a death. There is the immediate shock and sorrow but also the demands of planning.

First there is the need to share the news. Really this is the last thing you want to do. Pick up the phone and call people to tell them you have just had your heart ripped out of your chest. Say the same things over and over again and listen to the same expressions of sympathy. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the support and kindness it’s just that in my instance I really just want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass by. I don’t care about anything right now and don’t have much energy or emotion left.

This was a journey that was draining on many levels. We hoped right up until the last week for a miracle. My husband was not ready to die – he was still painting up until the last week. We still were planning a trip out east to see family and friends this summer. He was still full of dreams and goals and hope. Our daughter had a baby boy on the 28th of February, her first child. My husband wanted so badly to be part of that child’s life. His pain at his inability to play with the two older grandsons was almost crippling to watch. My daughter in law is actually pregnant with her third child but we couldn’t tell Kevin, it would have caused him unbearable pain to know another child was on the way and he would not be a part of its life.

We have completed most of the plans for his service for this Thursday. The kids have stayed with me non stop, my sister and my sister in law have been here every day as well as some amazing friends of ours – correct that to mine. See its those little things that really trip you up -it’s not we any more but me, it’s not ours but mine. In a biblical sense the two became one and now I am down to a mere half.

Long days these but I will put my head down and get through them. Something tells me it won’t get any easier too fast.