Where Did You Go?

Today started off sad, unexpectedly sad.  I suspect I may have had a dream, I’m not sure, I don’t typically remember them.  I do think I may have dreamt and it was one that took me back to the ‘before’ times.  The time when Kevin was healthy and well.  Anyway, I woke up and reflexively reached for him.  My practice during the 30 years of our marriage.  Kevin loved to be touched, he’d go completely still if I was rubbing his arm or touching his shoulder.  It was funny – he’d tell me he was afraid to move in case the spell was broken.  He’d also tell me he’d get more affection if he had a tail and pointy ears – like the cats.  Not true, I have to say, he always got the most attention.  Regardless, touch was how we started our day.  Touch was how we ended it as well.  We slept in a queen size bed, he would never consider a bigger bed because he liked the proximity, liked being close.

Today for some reason, I woke up feeling content, unaware; it felt like it was years ago.  Back then I would reach over and either scratch his shoulders or rub his neck, give him a kiss, call him lazy and tell him to get up.  I’d sit at the side of the bed and he’d say, “Put the kettle on now.”  Mornings were never good for stimulating conversation; we both needed to ease into the day.  I’d get his coffee ready and he would join me in the kitchen a few minutes later.  First thing he’d do was put on music – depending on his mood, could be just about anything.  He’d sit at the table just looking out the window enjoying life, and I’d putter around, getting ready for work.  Not much said, all the talking came later in the day.

Today I found myself reaching for him in the bed, before I even had my eyes open, I was reaching for him, and he wasn’t there.

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