So I Cry

So I cry, a lot.  It’s probably pretty obvious by some of my posts.  I don’t think I cry an inordinate amount anymore, but every day I cry.  Contrary to popular opinion, crying doesn’t make me feel better – it actually makes me feel lousy.  My sinuses fill up, my chest aches, and there is no point that I pass where I experience a sudden lifting of pressure.  None.  It is a painful fullness, a dull throbbing in my head and heart.  I feel overfull – too many thoughts and emotions happening at the same time.  The emotional response (crying) is like a small puncture in a balloon where the air seeps out slowly. I wish there was a quick release, but there’s not.  It’s just that I am past capacity and something has to give.  So I cry.

This weekend was another first to get through, and we did.  My eldest grandson turned four.  Wonderful, fabulous four.  My husband, Kevin, would have loved it.  Four is such a great age; any gift is a good gift as long as it is wrapped.  My present to my four year old grandson was a bicycle.  Not just any bicycle, but a lovely red and blue Spiderman bicycle complete with training wheels.

Kevin rode a bicycle; during all 31 years of our marriage he rode a bike.  As long as the weather was half decent, he’d get the bike out and ride to the school where he taught.  This was not a short cycle either; it was about eight kilometres one way and all hills.  Kevin’s physique didn’t suggest athleticism and we would joke how he looked like Kermit the Frog on his bike with his long skinny legs and his round body. It’s an image that will stay with me and the kids for the rest of our lives.

Thus the purchase of a bicycle was more than a simple gift in my mind.  I felt somehow like I had perpetuated a circle of life rite.  It felt like Kevin shared in the giving with me.  I cried when I bought the darn thing, I cried when my grandson left with it.  And I cry right now as I think about how my grandson will ride his bike and his grandfather will not be here to see it.  Ah, the dull throbbing associated with emotions slips over me again.

One comment on “So I Cry

  1. Jenny I don’t know if you have read the last 2 messages on my timeline, but the are both so touching. and lend to this post. .The only problem with them is that they will probably make you cry, as they made me cry.


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