I can feel the tension building as I get closer to the end of the month. It will be a year on the 27th. One year ago we got the news.
I find that as the day approaches the build-up is immense. Almost unmanageable. I feel a sensation similar to that of a plane sitting on the tarmac waiting to take off. Engines pulsing and throbbing as more and more energy courses through, building to a momentum and intensity that will make the impossible possible. Unlike the plane, however, I won’t fly when I hit capacity – I’m more likely to crash and burn.
I am aware of how tightly strung I am. Getting through this week may mean withdrawing a bit. Sometimes the thoughts in my head are too hard to explain and the feelings too raw to reveal. It’s easier to shrink into the background; it’s less demanding.
So there’s nothing to be done about it. Just get through the week and hope the next one is better. That’s pretty much how it has been going for the last few weeks anyway. It’s a narrow path out of this darkness and the ground can often give way, leaving me scrambling for a foothold again. Then I get back up on my feet and try and refocus. Groundhog Day.