I Excel At Overthinking

Sleep evaded me last night despite my usual sleeping pill.  It’s an interesting thing how the body can resist medication when it is under stress.  The pills can put me under but they just can’t keep me under long enough.  Last night I managed to sleep for about four hours and was awake by 4:00 am watching the digital numbers flip over on the clock by my bed.  This gave me lots of time to overthink what was ahead.  I went into work feeling lousy and with an awful apprehension about my morning meeting.

I did not meet with the “new” manager; rather, I met with his superior and likely the main impetus behind the restructure of the section.  The discussion lasted about a half an hour and it was a shared conversation.  The end result was, that although there seemed to be a rush to announce the change, there doesn’t appear to be any hurry to make the physical move or to reassess the work.  The new management was not aware of my accommodated return-to-work.  They would need time to familiarize themselves and to determine the impact of my reduced hours in my role.  The specific term used was “status quo” for now. 

I miss Kevin so much at times like this.  He had an amazing knack of cutting through all the distractions and superfluous details to strip it down to the main issue.  He would take all the emotion and subjectivity out of the situation and restate it so that it became an identified, defined problem or position that we could examine.  Sometimes, after he would restate the issue, I would realize how ridiculous my worries were. On my own, now I am without that voice of reason.  

After this morning’s meeting I realized that a whole lot of nothing had been accomplished.  I had heightened management’s awareness of my reduced capacity in my role but that was all.  I left the meeting confused that things were considered status quo after a restructure – new managers, new department – how could things be status quo? I wondered where Kevin would land on this one.  I have to think, that after working through all the minutiae that I would have dredged up, he would have said something like, “Leave it alone. The work’s the same. Nothing’s changed until they change it. If they have an issue they’ll come to you. Until then, put your head down and do your job.” 

That’s what I am going to do, exactly what I have been doing all along.  Until they physically make me move from my office, which is probably what upsets me most, I will go with the status quo.  There is no doubt I will be moved at some point.  My office location is prime real estate and already a number of people have been by to scope it out and ask if I have any idea when I will be moved.  When it happens I likely will go into a tailspin.  Until then it’s head down, nose clean and mouth shut – and maybe they’ll just forget about me for a while.

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