Writers’s Block

It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about, it’s just that it all seems to be the same thing over and over again.  It seems that all I write about is angst and sorrow and sadness and grief.  These emotions are steady in my life.  I wake every morning knowing for sure that at some point during the day I will sob, feel sorrow, ask unanswerable questions and feel disconnected from the rest of the world.  Everyone else keeps moving forward, but I am sinking slowly in a bog that tugs me lower and lower into someplace unknown.

Lately I have been trying to imagine what Kevin’s touch felt like.  So familiar while he was alive, but now that he’s gone I try to recall the feeling of his arm on my shoulders or his hand in mine.  All those years and it’s gone, a sensory memory that I just can’t recapture. When I was a teenager, a friend of mine’s father died.  His mother never recovered from the loss.  One day when I was talking with her she said, “What I wouldn’t give to rub his back just one more time. I used to complain when he’d ask, but what I wouldn’t give.”  It’s true, what I wouldn’t give to touch Kevin, warm and alive, just one more time.  I sit on the sofa and close my eyes because when I do I can see him sitting there with me.  I find myself in his closet just inhaling the smell, his smell, on his clothes. I sleep on his side of the bed and I use his pillow.

I wish I could just retreat from the present and live in my memory.


One comment on “Writers’s Block

  1. Hi Jenny I thought of if before but once again it has hit me…You must keep writing on this blog, because of your wonderful description of what grief is really all about. There is very few people that are able to express these intense emotions in words. I honestly feel these blogs could become a book, on the dynamics of grief.


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