Home is Where the Heart Is

I woke up with a headache after a poor night’s sleep.  Even taking a sleeping pill hasn’t been enough to allow me a restful night’s sleep since Kevin’s death.  There’s a lot to be done and I have very little energy to do it.  I guess it’s the sense of hopelessness and heartbreak that blend together to sap all the interest out of a day.  This has been my experience since Kev has died.  Just get through the day, maybe tomorrow will be better.  Today started off just the same as any other, feeling lousy, feeling low, put on a brave face and hopefully the day will be over quickly.

My sister-in-law arrived early in the morning and we had a cup of tea together along with a little treat she’d brought.  Kevin’s sister has had her share of loss and we talked about some of the ways she coped with it.  After she left I got a call from one of my friends about whether I needed her to come over to the house and take me to get Kevin at the funeral home.  I still hadn’t heard from the home so I decided to call – and yes, he was ready.  I called my friend back and she came over to drive me to pick up Kevin.  Before we had left another friend unexpectedly pulled in the driveway bringing me some homemade turkey pies for dinner. So it was us three that went to the funeral home to pick him up.

It was a very quick transaction to retrieve his ashes from the funeral home.  One document to sign and one certificate to accompany the urn in the event that I want to bury him – then I need to produce the certificate from the crematorium to the cemetery administration.  The kids and I had chosen a marble urn, we wanted three separate small vials for scattering as well as, believe it or not, memorial jewelry (which hold a speck or two of his ashes).  Not to everyone’s taste but death is a very personal experience for a family.  All these items were provided in a dark blue corded bag designed to discreetly conceal its contents.

It was an overwhelmingly emotional moment when I finally held his urn.  The totality of his loss, that someone as passionate and engaging as Kevin was gone, really gone, was brought home by the urn in my hands.  I am so thankful that I didn’t try to do this alone, that I had friends with me.  We came back to the house and made another cup of tea, a great source of comfort for me when I am feeling any sort of emotional strain.  And then they left and it was me and him – like it should be.

Today I brought my husband home and it just feels so right.

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