Koyaanisqatsi is a Hopi word that loosely translated means “life out of balance.” (Ref – Wikipedia).  This is how I view my life.  It has no balance, it swings from high to low and it is like quicksilver, changing with a fluidity and momentum that defies description.

Today was results day for my husband’s most recent CT scan so went to the hospital to meet the Oncologist.  The results were not great but not the worst either.  In this CT scan the radiologist identified a blood clot in my husband’s lung that apparently had shown up on previous scans but not been mentioned or brought to anyone’s attention until our discussion today.  A little worrisome but hopefully the Fragmin (blood thinner) will continue to allow the body to break the clot down over time. The Oncologist advised that my husband’s cancer has progressed from his last CT scan.  The cancer’s progression has manifested in a couple of nodules and lymph nodes in his lungs.  Not huge increases but significant enough to put my husband back into the chemo grind starting this Thursday.  The original “mass” is still not in evidence, however, another large nodule was identified in his lower right lung.  So the chemo is without a doubt the way to go.  The drug administered, however, has been changed to Docetaxel which has different side effects from the first combination of drugs used. I suspect that the last of his hair will go and the fatigue again will be an issue – I am hoping that the nausea is not.  This remains to be seen.  The chemotherapy sessions are three weeks apart and there will be three.  So the next nine weeks are scripted.

The visit to the hospital today meant I got to meet up with my sister who works there.  She always pops over for a visit, if she can, her schedule permitting we’ll have a coffee or lunch.  Today was a brief chat – just long enough to hear that she had her own issue – the week before she’d had a minor heart attack.  She attributed it to stress, which is likely correct, but how do we remove the stress out of our lives?  Even when we think we have a handle on things oftentimes we still feel stress or strain or frustration or fatigue or concern (and so on) about events occurring within our lives.  The usual response to something like this is a prescription which makes it all seem better but never really addresses the underlying causes.  Needless to say hearing this news from my sister was very upsetting.

My sister-in-law commences her first chemotherapy treatment tomorrow.  She has a cocktail of chemo drugs that include Oxaliplatin, Fluorouracil and Leucovorin.  Her treatments are every two weeks and will continue for approximately six months.  She will have the chemotherapy treatment at the hospital but will leave with a “baby bottle” that continues the treatment and will be removed approximately two days after the initial hospital administered treatment.  Reading up on these drugs it appears that fatigue will likely be a significant factor throughout, but everyone has a different response and we can only hope that for my sister-in-law she has a good response to the treatment.  Her attitude is great going in – just get ‘er done.  Likewise tomorrow my niece (in-law) starts her chemo treatment for breast cancer.  This is the start of a very aggressive program since it is her second go round with breast cancer,  I can’t imagine how she is feeling.

This is the chaos of my life – all around me crazy things are happening – life altering or life threatening things.  It’s out of control – which is the one true thing, the utter lack of control.  This is the reality we all face, we do the best we can but still nasty stuff happens.  Right now it is “koyaanisqatsi” for our family and we seek ways to bring things back into harmony and balance.

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