One small misstep and you can go through the ice.

One small misstep and you can go through the ice.

Tonight I go to sleep and wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Will it be a better day?  The day dragged along until finally it is over.  My husband had intermittent bouts of nausea that plagued him all day.  There are unspoken words that float between us when he has a day like this.  What does it mean?  Is it just a bad day or is it indicative of something else going wrong?

There’s no doubt that the blood clot has made us paranoid, it can’t help but do so.  At any time, until that thing is gone, he remains at risk.  As he went to bed he was complaining about pains in his stomach – not piercing pains, just a bellyache – like the ones he would get in the past when he took Tylenol #3.  Tylenol has always been tough on his stomach and that’s what his stomach feels like tonight.  But it could be so much more, right?  We were told if he gets sharp pains anywhere above the navel to call an ambulance immediately – it could be an embolus, part of the clot breaking free and travelling up towards his lungs.  What constitutes sharp pain for one person may not be the same for the next person – so who knows what the threshold really is.

He woke up with a headache – was it just a headache or is it symptomatic of something else?  Is it allergies?  Is it his sinuses, or is it something related to cancer?  I take his temperature and blood sugar and blood pressure and everything seems to be in order, but I just don’t know.  Am I missing something?  Can a headache be just a headache when you have cancer?  I suspect the answer is “sure”, but there’s always that “what if”.

He is the whole world to me and I am so afraid that I am not up to the task.  This is just such a difficult process.

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