It’s Late

Another night that I can’t sleep.  I lay in bed listening to his breathing, sort of.  He has sleep apnea and has lost so much weight on his face that his mask doesn’t fit properly anymore.  So he hasn’t worn it for the last couple of nights.  We have the bed inclined at the head to make his breathing easier.  It’s an electric bed that we use now, provided to us courtesy of some friends.  He has his feet up as well, elevated because of the swelling in his leg.  Really I shouldn’t even be trying to sleep in the same bed – but he’s needy and wants me there.  No easy task to find sleep when you are a side sleeper forced into the nook of the bed formed with both the head and feet up.

He’s restless tonight and having some fairly vivid dreams or hallucinations, not sure which.  So far he’s told me to listen for the guitar riff coming up in the next song, he’s asked me to hold his guitar, and then later needed me to put his paint brush on the table.  He’s a pretty busy guy considering he’s supposed to be getting some shut eye.

I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now.  It seems like there is a constant onslaught of things that need to be done over and above just getting through the day.  The car broke down on Friday – right after we got out of Emergency.  That was towed to the garage today and I will need to follow-up in the morning.  I just discovered that in a recent thunderstorm one of our trees must have gotten struck, I need to get the hydro company out to look at it – it’s right beside a hydro line.  We have a new furnace being installed on Monday morning (in less than 8 hours), I need to call the CPAP people about the mask, need to call Oncology about the rough week he had last week, there’s prescriptions to pick up, and more stuff that I can’t remember.   There’s more because there’s always more.  Life is unrelenting – it just keeps pushing forward and you do what you do to get by.  So for now I’m going to have a little pity party for myself and likely feel guilty afterwards because, after all, I’m healthy and I’m sure anyone with cancer would love to change places with me and have to deal with the mundane issues that I am complaining about.


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