I’m Having A Moment

It’s late and I’m tired.  Although things have settled down a bit, the worry never leaves.  Today, he was very, very tired and lightheaded.  He ended up going down on his knees in the hallway because he was “woozy”.  No harm done, but there’s always the what ifs that linger. We are officially at the lowest immune level which mean the highest potential risk for catching infection.  So although the nausea is gone, the invisible fears are still all around us. These things bring me back to our painful reality. 

When my husband was diagnosed with this no one in the medical field offered us any hope.  A simple visit to the emergency room at the hospital ended up with a diagnosis of inoperable lung and bone cancer.  The man had been playing tennis the week before and in one day, 24 hours, our world was devastated.  The resulting visits to the specialists didn’t give us much to go on.  They wanted us to understand that this was a terminal illness.  There would be no operations or miracles to come our way.  Any treatment would be to gain quality of life, not longevity.  The prognosis was given to us in months, not years. 

So sometimes, like tonight, when he’s sleeping, I have my moments  I cry, even though it doesn’t solve anything, I cry.  It doesn’t mean I’ve given up hope, if anything it makes me more determined to prove them wrong.  I am painfully aware that somewhere there is a giant clock ticking down the weeks, days and hours, but many people have been given the same “months to live” prognosis and are still alive and kicking years later.  What did they do to stop that clock from counting down in real time?  That’s what drives us on, the fact that many people have defied the odds and become members of an elite group of survivors.  If ever there was a group that we want to get him into it is that one, the true survivors club. 

8 comments on “I’m Having A Moment

  1. I’m the one with cancer. I do not know the spouse’s view. I think your side is the harder one. I do know that my husband has been through this cancer journey just as much, if not more, than me. And that is love. It is true love to walk with someone through this. So, from the cancer patient, I would like to say to a spouse of someone going through this, “thank you”


    • I welcome your comments. I need the insight into the other side of this disease. When I read some of your blog, I realized that you have achieved a balance; that is what I hope to achieve. I want to offer my husband balance and harmony and safety. It is love, a warm full gift that we share. But I know there’s more. so thank you for making me think differently, less insularly. Keep writing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m the one with cancer, an incurable one and I was given 1 – 3 yrs in July. I have been a carer and now I’m a patient myself and I would say being a carer is harder. I felt like I had no control over the situation with my mum and I was constantly running on adrenaline. I’m glad to say my mum pulled through, however i will never get over that time period in my life.

    I have the most wonderful husband caring for me now and I worry about him, how’s he coping, what’s he thinking and my main concern is life for him after I have gone. I don’t see any signs of stress or tears at the minute but I wonder if he does. I can totally understand you crying and having your moments, you need to realize the stress that you are dealing with.

    I do have a clock ticking in front of me but I’m trying to ignore time. 😄


    • I have been so frustrated by the system and the “timeframes” that the medical profession hands out. So very much depends on the spirit and will of the individual. Some people seem to have this internal fortitude that helps them get through and defy the odds. I will never stop looking for ways to slow down the progression of the disease. The body is so remarkably regenerative. The mind is incredibly powerful. I will continue to explore everything and anything that looks promising. I will continue to post it here. I’ve been lax in posting the “cures” that people have suggested to us, but I will get back at it. Let’s hope I stumble across something that may interest you. You sound quite remarkable in the way of understanding both perspectives of the disease. I suspect that your husband is taking his lead from you which is why he appears well-adjusted at the moment. In my case I worry about my husband and he worries about me, I wonder if this isn’t somewhat similar for your family as well. Take care of yourself.


    • It’s been a while since you sent me this post, I hope that you are well. I found an article that you may find interesting so I thought I would send you the link. It may or may not apply to your particular health prognosis, but the site itself has the latest research and findings on specific cancers. http://www.snmmi.org/NewsPublications/NewsDetail.aspx?ItemNumber=11503. There is lots of information on this site, just use the search feature at the top of the main page (www.snmmi.org).


      • Thank you for thinking about me. The last 4-5 weeks has been crazy with medical tests and visits so last week we went away to rejuvenate a little. Thank you for the info and I have just sent it to another patient in Dublin because it’s a treatment they have been discussing with her. I am waiting to hear back from the Head Radiologist about proposed additional treatments. I have to catch up with your blog, I hope your ok and how is your husband.


        • Thanks for enquiring. He continues to be optimistic which is the most important thing. I saw that treatment and wondered if you maintained dual citizenship, since the procedure is available in England, unlike NA where it is still in trials. Strangers we may be but a common interest makes us colleagues.


          • That’s good to hear, positive mind feeds positive energy. I’m still a British Citizen, I’ve not applied for citizenship in Canada as yet, however it on my list for things to get done. I don’t know how I stand, regarding treatment in the UK when I’m a resident in another country. I’m just in contact with a Prof at the Royal Free Hospital, London so maybe he could tell me more.


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